“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”

Jeremiah 29:11 (NIV)

For the last six months, family, friends, doctors, nurses, neighbors, and acquaintances have asked me many questions. My standard answer is, “I don’t know.” For someone who usually knows the answers, this has been both difficult and confusing. I’m the one who asks the questions. But life has changed and I feel like I am in a holding pattern.

Mark entered hospice at the end of January and transitioned to his heavenly home on Easter Sunday, the end of March. During that time, his family took turns helping me with his care. Hospice nurses stopped by every day to administer to his needs. Each time the nurse asked me as she left what could she do for me.  And my answer was, “I don’t know.”

I have often thought to myself that I don’t know why God thought I needed to know about divorce, depression, dementia, and now death, but He did. At each stage, I had no idea what I was getting into. I learned as I went along with the help of counselors, doctors, and friends. There were times when I didn’t think I would make it but my counselor was there to give me assurance and aid to handle the various situations. And God never left my side.

I feel a little lost now, without purpose, and it is so quiet in the apartment. I know that my body and mind are so tired and now is a time for restoration.

I was out for my morning walk today, asking God the inevitable “What’s next?,” when I was reminded of Jeremiah 29:11. Lightbulb moment — I don’t know but God does. He knows the plans He has for me and they will be good. My part is to keep walking, one step at a time.